| 06:53pm 12/06/2010 | |||
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I want to write something profound. I never believed my writing was worthy, but when I go back and look at entries from years ago I amaze myself. The words flow together in a passionate expression, the thoughts in my head written clearly out to hold onto a memory. When it comes to writing about my parents, it feels as if what more can you say than they’re dead. Just as everyone else is left with no words of comfort, what can I say to myself for comfort? Mae – Awakening “I’ll be fine”… I have no hope for FINE. I wasn’t fine growing up with my family, I wasn’t fine when I was a prize, I wasn’t fine when I held them together after the divorce, I wasn’t fine when I left for college with no realization of the real world, I wasn’t fine after my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I wasn’t fine when she died, I wasn’t fine when I lost my grandfather and dog within days of each other, I wasn’t fine when Ryan told me Dad was dead. I wasn’t fine, I’m NOT fine. I won’t be fine. Or okay, or happy, or alive. I listen to others, their stories. It takes YEARS to find a sane peace after a loss. I lost 4 ones I loved, within almost a year…now tell me how that is EVER going to be “fine”. I lost sight of my writing; it’s easy when you put other life priorities in front of self-understanding. I do miss it, putting all the chaos into a feasible, tangible product. Organizing and remembering the thoughts from a specific time and an exact emotion. Here goes: I lost my father in the first few days of December. His exact time of death will always be a mystery, but after checking his phone history and listening to my brother’s ordeal of finding him I’ve made my own conclusions. While I was printing pictures in the photo lab on campus, my father had a heart attack in his bed at age 52 that killed him between 3:33pm to 3:50pm on Thursday, December 3rd. He was alone at the house and had been to a doctor’s appointment just a few hours prior. He had been suffering digestive burn/pains for the last few weeks, - which I had been unaware of - but with no alarming results after the tests was sent back home. Ryan came home late that night and not wanting to disturb him went straight to his room. In the morning Ryan noticed the TV still on in Dad’s room, which was unusual, there he found him curled on his side with his eyes closed lying on top of the comforter. He was cold to Ryan’s touch…he knew. Walking back down the hall he punched the walls, he need to know that he could feel pain, that this wasn’t a hellish nightmare. After calling 911 and dealing with the process of removing the body, I’m qued in with a text message. However, my phone was on silent. When I eventually did wake up and check my messages I had a text from Christina and Ryan…from those alone I assumed the worse, which luck be damned was the exact truth. It bothered me how well I was functioning during the whole ordeal. I, now an orphan, at the prime age of 21 had just had my world burned to the ground. Yet, there I was...doing my thing and taking care of business as if it was just another project. I just lost my last connection to sanity, to comfort, to being a daughter – I should have been curled up in a corner incoherent to the world. I TOLD HIM ‘If I lost you that would be the end’ and he left me. In the most sudden unexpected way. No preparation and no goodbyes. Now I understand, it was blind realization that kept me going, but that time is over. I’m no longer bothered by how well I’m handling another death, because I’m finally falling apart. STRONG, no more. I have NO parents. Losing one, I somehow could mange…but both?! I’m 21 – the oldest sibling out of two, had barley a year between the deaths, and was left with no warning of even a health problem. You can’t handle that, you can’t recover from that. No more simple bliss of ignorance or not accepting the whole truth. THIS IS REAL. It happened and you are now in your own living hell. Life doesn’t stop, |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Why are you here? (in this class, in school?) | |||
| 06:38pm 12/06/2010 | |||
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Society always told me that to have the ‘American dream’ and not be working at McDonalds my whole life, college was a necessity. Plus, with all the hype about college life, being away from home, and the prestige of being at school, most people look forward to the experience. Fitchburg State College in particular was a result of many factors. For starters I had no ‘dream university’ or any idea how I wanted to prioritize college choices. I didn’t have the slightest clue as to what I wanted to major in. I was also battling a depression that consumed most of my senior year, the indifference to my life highly affected my motivation for applying for college. The few things I did know was that I needed a school with an adequate disability program, smaller class size (but not too small of a student population), location in Massachusetts (so I could use my Abigail and Adams scholarship), and from my parents perspective an affordable tuition. As my senior year of high school continued on, I decided to focus on looking at schools with acclaimed communication departments. I had taken TV Media for three years in high school and enjoyed the class. With no other starting point or interest standing out, I figured it would be a good major to try out. This narrowed my search to Emerson, Franklin Pierce, Curry, and Fitchburg State, which I all applied to. My reach school became Emerson College in Boston, I feel in love with the school after touring the campus. March/April came around and acceptance letters were sent out, unfortunately not from the school I’d been hoping for. I was accepted to all the schools I’d applied to except from Emerson, which I was wait listed. A false hope, I never heard back from them. After mulling over my 3 choices I finally decided Fitchburg State College for it’s ambitious film/video program, reasonable tuition, and it’s convenient location. |
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| 06:36pm 12/06/2010 | |||
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I keep on going over how terrible our relationship was. How much I hated your dominance and uncalled for accusations. What gave you the right? I may have come from you, but that little girl doesn’t last forever. You should know…you dealt with the same restrictions when you were an adolescent. I never drank, I never smoked, I never slept with anyone. I had good grades, was involved in more than enough extra curricular activities. I was never enough? Sorry, I wasn’t made to be your perfect pet. I can’t stand to be controlled, I can’t stand to have to rely on you, I can’t stand to be scolded. You protected me from life…yes “because of you”. What the hell was your problem? You should have known I wasn’t going to be your extension. Nor was I your bragging right or shinning prize to show off. I was me, I AM me. Fine, be a parent, BUT NOT a tyrant. You held on so tight I lost all ambition to want even see you.. I miss you often and truly, but what would our relationship be now with you still here? Obviously, I’m not over how I was treated and it was going to take years to repair that. Yet I wonder. How would you take your daughter having her first official boyfriend. How would you feel about me loosing my virginity? Would you be upset if I went to Japan and never came back? Would you understand why I’m so upset with you? Would you tell me your secrets? What would you do? |
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| 06:35pm 12/06/2010 | |||
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I watched 5 movies in 34 hours. Yesterday the Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D at the theaters, Summer Catch last night while waiting for Chris to come back from work, Stranger Than Fiction with Chris this afternoon while cuddling in bed, Footloose while in bed resting from my cold, and Paranormal Activity at the 12am showing in theaters. I’m lucky if I go to the movies once a month, never mind two days (or nights) in a row. Plus I’m not one for watching TV (which includes movies). I blame the whole boredom of bed rest from being under the weather. Granted it was soooo nice spending the day in bed, haven’t had a day like that in a long time. September and October. Two months have disappeared. November and a few weeks in December is what I have left of my senior year of college. I’m not so fond of the schoolwork or going to classes right now, but I know I’m going to miss it all dearly. I’ll be on internship next semester, but I absolutely hate how the schools program works. I won’t find out where I’m going or what I’m doing until the 1st or 2nd week of November. How do they expect you to make all the arrangements of living away in such a short time?? My desired internship would be working on a cruise line as a video photographer. |
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| Entries from the past | |||
| 06:33pm 12/06/2010 | |||
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Scars I am loved, but not by myself. I was told I was a prize. I was told I was destined for something great. But I hold the truth and there are no miracles in store. I just want to be happy. I was so upset to leave my home, my family was bonded to home. To the good times, to the free moments of life. Backyard adventures, summer vacations, driving trips, true happiness. I never wanted to be close with anyone. Once I learned what it meant to lose someone I never believed it was worth the suffering. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. No, because you will never recover. You will always will have a piece of your heart missing. What if I was to die? People would be sad, but it could be the one time in my life where I was selfish and the first time I would be at peace. Life is fragile. I will never be bound to someone. Freedom from myself. Disappointment. What happened? To love. To innocence. To happiness. |
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| Getting into the Habit | |||
| 11:32am 02/03/2010 | |||
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I'm a college Senior that can find the time to sleep ten to twelve hours a day, but no time to write? Even if something is medically wrong with me, I can't help but to feel that I'm letting my "golden years" slip away. I haven't written a journal entry and posted it in over 5 months...that's almost half a year and unacceptable. Let me tell you how much can change in 5 months (or a single day): His name is Christopher, or simply Chris. He's probably the best and worse thing to happen to me my Senior year. I've spent so many years longing for a person who would loved me as much as I loved them and who fit my rigorous standards. Low and behold, here he is! Of course he has flaws, as do I, but there is an understanding and appreciation for being individuals. Most importantly we both agree that 'We want to be in each others lives, not run them'. He has ambitions, hobbies, and a yearning to travel. He's soft spoken, has 5 tattoos, 2 piercings, and the most beautiful clear gentle eyes. He's a bit passive, with the manors of a gentleman and knows that a great hug can be the brightest part of a day. With an extensive vocabulary and intricate writing skill, he's a man of linguistics; studying over 4 languages. He's a stylish dresser with a stunning body I prefer not to hide with clothes. A "hopeless" romantic (as he calls himself) with a music taste that was the spark to our connection. This 23 year old is the sensitive, kind, respectful, smart, adventurer beauty I now call my own. My love. When it all started I couldn't tell you. The hours and hours of sleep that leave me rejuvenated for only a moment. The lost of interests in my 'once was' passions. The preference to stay in over going out. The drive to stay connected with friends overtaken with solitude. Indifference to school and course work. Club responsibilities completely forgotten. My essence, disappeared... My value, my importance, my enthusiasm - GONE. It's a struggle to make it out of bed, to acknowledge that there's a world outside my room. It's calling and I want with all my existence's to run to it, but my legs don't move, my heart doesn't pound. So here I've been lying alone in my own dream. I hate working useless jobs that are to serve the Basic BASIC needs of the population, I want my time to be used for benefit not pleasure. So due to the horrible horrible jobs offered to the college student masses, I opted not to work. Which is all fine until it comes to pleasure spending money (and bills and necessities...and life). With no money in the bank and no use going to a parent for support, where do you turn? A credit card. Three thousand dollars to a credit card. It was not a pleasant time avoiding creditors phone calls or having to explain the situation to my Dad. However, thanks to life's unexpecteds I was able to pay off the lump sum last month..I like to think of it as a last gift. Live for the moment, yet hope for tomorrow. I realize I still get upset at bad drivers, the trash not being emptied, and having bad sales service but I have a profound understanding about what truly matters in the grand scheme of life. There are so many things people take for granted and it's only until you lose them that you realize how important they were. It's also apparent what is really worth getting frustrated by. Over the last year and a half (and especially last 3 months), my eyes have been open to relevance in life. Live in today; don't stay stuck in the past or agonize over the future. The past is written and can never be changed and the future is never guarantied. Just as we were all born, we will all die. The only sure thing we have is this moment RIGHT now, take it as you would as if it was your last. After all no one knows what death brings, it could be better or it could be worse...so live with what you have now, with what is certain. "Relationships will never make sense to me. How can lovers go from "being the one" to never talking again? Or how best friends who have shared everything be inseparable and then completely indifferent. How can people become so close to one another and then in the drop of a hat forget it all for resentment? How? Why?" I lost my best friend to a fight, we never looked back on one another and left it at indifference - which according to a fortune cookie I once received "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." So, we don't even care about each other enough to hate. It was devastating to lose my closest friend and infuriating to know all the time, effort, and emotion I put into the relationship was all for nothing. However, with no other alternatives all I could do was let it go. This was all "fine and good" until on a Wednesday morning I met with my Building Director about a 'complaint'. Turns out Hang had filed a police report on me. Each accusations more appalling than the one before, with the conclusion not to reach her under any circumstance. I was beside myself, as if she couldn't make my life any more miserable. The final act of betrayal, a factitious police report. My mother died September 23, 2008. It was a year this September. My father died December 3, 2009. This December before the break of the new decade I became an Orphan. A 21 year old with a 20 year old brother. Alone. alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone allone alneon aneonal alone anleon anleona aloneooaneonalelhnaoen. Ryan waked into my Dad's room Friday morning, finding him curled onto his side, ice cold. I keep my phone on silent over the night and when I woke up I saw a text from my friend Christina "Amanda call your brother immediately, campus police was looking for you". As soon as I read it my heart dropped and my Dad was my first thought, he's gone... I cleared out of the message to find another message from my brother "Call me as soon as you can...I'm sorry". I felt as if I was dying, it's Dad...IT'S DAD. I called Ryan. Ryan! Hey Amanda..hold on Ryan..Ryan..RYAN RRYYYAANNN! IS IT DAD? Yea.. IS HE ALIVE?! No.. I burst into tear, this is was some horrible HORRIFIC nightmare. How? Why? When? WHY WHY WHHYYY?! I apologized to Ryan for losing it over the phone. That was the beginning of my new life. I completely shut down. I couldn't even think how to dress myself or what I was doing or what I needed to do or what this meant or what it was going to mean. Somehow I calculated a plan and went on my way. I needed to call Betsy, his fiancé. Probably the worst call I've ever made in my life. I had no idea how to approach the topic or an easy way to say it. I blurted it out in the most raw and unplanned way possible. It was horrible, just horrible. Her reaction brought the slight control I had built up come crashing down. When I was off the phone with her, I knew it was time to focus on me. What was I doing now? The first stop was the college's 'Student and Academic Life' to inform them about the death, so they could inform my professors. Then I went upstairs to Counseling Services and by some luck ran into Erin (my counselor who I'd been seeing for over a year). I ran over hugged her and whispered to her that my father had just died. She immediately lead me into her office to talk, I don't remember much was said. As I left and passed The Office of International Education, I stopped turned around and waked in. Luckily again Clare was around and I was able to wake right into her office. I told her the news and she took her jacket off the hook, told her receptionist Heather she was leaving. I NEVER expected that, but it was welcomed. I left for home with Christ and Clare following. My brother originally was going to leave before I made it to the house, but ended up staying so we could see each other face to face. I was greeted by two police officers and gave the 'official' run down and learned that his body had been taken away. The rest of the day felt like the span of a week, phone call after phone call informing all friends and family of his death. Each new reaction bringing me to turmoil once again. No one knew what to say, I didn't know what to say, it was just unreal. The day continued on and on; people coming over to the house and flowers being delivered. I honestly can't recall much more. It's been a long 5 months. I decided to continue with my internship for the Spring semester. Originally placed in Boston for a Casting Business, I almost quit. I hated being there, it was both too physically and mentally daunting. By the grace of God, I was moved back to campus for my internship and have loved it sense. Though I have been put through many trials, I've been able to fight on. I have my Abroad experience in Japan for a year to look forward to and have been incircled with so many caring people. I have a clearer outlook and a deeper appreciation for life. Now it's time to write it all down. |
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| 09:42pm 26/10/2009 | |||
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OMG I thought I screwed myself out of school...but somehow I managed just to lose .3 on my GPA. Wow. Maybe I'll be able to make it out of this semester alive... |
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| 2 weeks of Senior Year | |||
| 01:57am 13/09/2009 | |||
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Is it weird I have no problem telling complete strangers my most inner and personal thoughts? One's that I wouldn't dare mention to friends or family. I think it's easier that way, while I'm still being judged (because it's impossible not to judge others) it doesn't hold such a bearing on me. I don't have to worry about facing my journal friends in the "real world" or worry about them being biases. It's a safe place to rant, lecture, and babble all I want and know at the same time I'm sharing myself with others. I could write in my own journal or make all the post private, but where's the fun in that? Ha ha, but really, this journal supplies me with the prefect outlet. It's been awhile since I last posted and MUCH has happened. Some amazing, some horrible, and some I can't decide. August: Went to Foxwoods with Tony and Erica I lost my virginity Spent a day cleaning out 2 basements for Betsy Was incredibly sick and stuck in bed for 4 days Moving into the dorms Eric's 21st Nicole's 21st September: more on that tomorrow, off to bed =p |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Oh about that... | ||||
| 01:03am 21/08/2009 | ||||
I'm excited to have finished Twilight and proud that I've read my share for being the summer (still praise the Gods I don't have summer reading anymore). The ending was satisfying although I was surprised it was so mellow, maybe after reading 'The Story of Edgar Sawtelle' I think all books end in misery. Although it is always sad when a series is done, I'm grateful I have Harry Potter to look forward to reading now. Talking about the two series, there is a serious debate raging on between the two fanfairs...I find it rather humorous =P Oh! I spent part of my day looking up bar etiquette too. I learned how to properly get a bar tenders attention, how much to tip, how to score a buyback, and most important what to do when a guy offers to buy you a drink. I feel that I have gained precious knowledge a 21 year old should hold ^__________^ Hey, it never hurts to be prepared right? I still haven't started working on my incompletes. $1,000 bucks I screw myself over :sigh: I wish I had more self motivation and strength to make myself just even start undesirable work, I know how important it is and yet here I am procrastinating (or more than procrastinating because that implies I eventually get it done). Have to say this is the first semester I'm dreading school starting. I'm not ready! >_< ~Star |
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indifferent| Can't fight yourself | ||||
| 04:01am 19/08/2009 | ||||
I was in hysterics, I completely lost control of my mask. I think the response I sent Erica after her "WTF happened last night" text says it best: "I've been debating what to tell you. It was all to much at once, I'm far from mentally sound...I just put on a good act...but last night for whatever reason my mask came crumbling apart." After reading my post from the day before the party, it's not hard to see why. I spent a good hour and something crying at the party because all I've been feeling came out with no control...I was a slave to my emotions, no logic. I've talked to a few people from the party, trying to piece it together (I feel like I can remember most of it, but the timeline is all blurry). What set me off? I was so intoxicated that my basic instincts took over, which were more aware of the pain/suffering? I can't tell you... It's another sleep deprived night. I'm going to the beach tomorrow and was hoping to get a sound rest, but once again I find myself tossing and turing...my head occupied to capacity with nagging thoughts. It's 4:16am at the moment...what the hell? How am I going to survive this semester if I can't sleep or concentrate? I might have to invest in some sleeping pills and ritalin, HA if only I was that sketchy =/ Poor Star, I've been waking her all night. At least she doesn't seem to mind too much. Nope, she doesn't mind enough to come nestle herself on my chest and make camp in my hair :sigh: Well going to try the sleeping thing again, :crosses fingers: hopefully! |
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awake| 03:30am 15/08/2009 | |||
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The farm had a party. I was the worst guest ever. I tried to drive drunk. I tried to be on my own, I tried to be on my own. They wouldn't have it. So here I am. Stuck in Lunenburg...alone...calling my brother more than twice an hour...hoping he'll pick up...ha! I'm stuck...no impresioned here. A story to be told for years to come. I hate being the center of attention and yet here I am. The STUPID one...the DRUNK one that can't make it for herself. Ryan, Erica, Drew, Anders, Nick, fucking everyone won't let me be. I'd rather die right now. Die than rather try to explain...I'm not saine. I never was and never will be. I'm sick of acting normal. I'm anything but... I'm stuck in my own nightmare. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Writing out my menacing thoughts | ||||
| 02:43am 14/08/2009 | ||||
I find myself trapped in another sleepless night. Thoughts controlling my strongest desire for sleep, my mind working overtime with every worry and anxiety it can come across. Mom Money Family Summer ending Boredom Tomorrow's farm party Classes Incomplete work Fixing my car People I should've hung out with Twilight and it's conflicting emotions It's an endless list. Although writing it down is bringing a heaviness to my eyelids and a few yawns. It's unreal to think how much writing makes me feel better, not lying when I say this is my outlet. I remember dreaming about my mom last night. My dreams are scattered about, but I recall sitting in benches and moving to where my mom was. She was alone because of her condition. Like always I was fighting my consciences knowing she is dead and yet still in front of me; my mind always comes up with an excuse to reason her presence. I remember being happy to be with her again and yet extremely sad, knowing how temporary it was. I sat next to her and I started looking through a book lying next to her. It was a collection of memorabilia; from Mother's Day cards, to pictures, to letters, whatever. I remember being impressed at how creative my 5 year old self was to make such intriguing cards (and how I wouldn't be able to come close to that now...lol). Then the show we were watching was over (we were in an audience) and I looked up at her and asked what her favorite color was. This is highly significant. Ever since she's passed I constantly find myself asking questions about her; who she was, what she liked, what she didn't, the memories she never told, the experiences I would never hear from her, all the unanswered questions that I wouldn't think twice to ask if she was alive and well today. "What is your favorite color?" Such a simple question, yet it's importance is one I can't describe with words. I was surprised my dream created mothers answered so quickly and with such reassurance "Maple Brown". Later when I woke up I realized this was probably wrong, but at that moment it was as if hearing her say "I Love You" to me again. Although I did reason with myself why brown was her favorite color for a brief moment, I couldn't really care. I had found out an answer...to my unanswerable questions. The satisfaction and happiness washed over me...sadly it didn't last long. As she got up from her seat to leave with the rest of the audience I burst out crying. I knew she would be gone... My dream went on from there but scattered, not focusing on her anymore. God, I miss her. 11 months the 23rd. Almost 1 year. Instead of getting better, I'm feeling worse..my thoughts focused and centered around her more that the previous months. WTH, I thought it was suppose to get easier. HA I'm in pain. |
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sad| You | |||
| 01:29am 23/07/2009 | |||
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I'm trying to push away every freakin annoyance in my life back home. Montana is stunning. I'm left speechless quite often, trying to take in the atmosphere; forcing the memories into my head. Yet, I still feel all the aggravation from home following me here, exactly where it doesn't belong. No Jon I don't want to think about you or Eric or Dan or Tony or Tyler or any other goddamn boy that has made my life miserable (even if it was my fault). I don't want to be reminded of Mom. I don't want to deal with the anxiety of being jobless and loosing housing. LEAVE ME ALONE! So much for a vacation, I have no control over quieting my mind. I need to leave it all behind, start anew. Give me the strength to finish off one last semester and then I'm the hell out of here. It's almost makes me burst out laughing. No one has a clue. (which is the way I make it) Honest, if people knew about this journal and actually got a look inside they would be stunned. I am not who I appear to be. I wish Montana was longer. Maybe after a month or so I'd start being able to let go or forget everything I left at home. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't help at all. I need to gain control. |
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| Read 3 - Post | |||
| A call from above | |||
| 06:37pm 07/07/2009 | |||
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So after my mom passed away I sometimes called her cell number to listen to her voice mail. After her number was discontinued from our plan I wasn't sure what would happen if I called, but at that particualr moment I didn't care. I called the number at night wondering. It rang...my heart starting to pound. Then after the call was left unanswered an unfamiliar voice mail came up, I hung up. However, that is not where the story ends... I received a call from "Mom" while in class the next day, the sight of the caller ID on my phone brought unnameable emotions within. I quickly put the phone on quite and let it go to voicemail. Shortly after my phone went off again, reading text message from Mom. I could hardly stand to wait till class was over, the curiosity boiling inside. The story is a long one that I don't care to write about in detail at this particular moment, but I will give you the for the most part what texts I received from Mom aka Nick: apr 13 9:32pm – My mame is nick whats urs Apr 15 9:53pm – U watch over vr love ones ar angles Apr 16 5:35pm – Will u boyfrifnd get mad if we r friends Apr 16 5:38pm – Aoything up to u Apr 16 9:27pm – What type of friends will u allow Apr 16 10:44pm 30 is that 2 old Apr 17 12:11pm Going to bed have to work at 8am if u like we can meat tomorrow after 5pm Apr 17 1:45am (received 12:14pm) Nick has a fiancé you two no longer need to be talking thanks April 17 7:38am (received 12:14pm) Do u have a boyfriend There is more the the story that makes these response far more interesting. Hopefully I'll be able to come back and explain further, someday. |
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| Read 3 - Post | |||
| Been awhile | |||
| 05:17pm 07/07/2009 | |||
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Summer? Ha! What summer? I know New England and Massachusetts have a rep for unpredictable weather but really? Mid May - when college let out - the weather was rather nice. I was looking forward to the warmer temperatures that awaited in June...how horribly wrong I was! It has been the most miserable summer that I can recall. June was cold, cloudy, and practically raining EVERY day. Looking at the weekly forecast was unbearable, no images of suns visible... continuing day after day. July is here. July is preceding Junes misery with the same fate. I'm craving the beach, but with such scarce warm sunny days the possibilities are slim. However, the weather couldn't bring me down completely...I always have something amazing to look forward to at the break of July and this year especially. July 2nd marked 21 years of my life on this earth. Yap, 21 years old. GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH Sorry, I still can't believe it. The birthday you dream about for years has arrived and it was spectacular. July 1st I was working the whole day and was out at 10:45pm. I ran home to grab my passport and meet my friends at Hooligans, the college campus bar. It was 12:30 by the time I made it through the doors and I knew it was my destiny to drink as much as I could in an hour and a half. My friends were great! I didn't have to pay for a single drink and they told me all the best drinks to order. My first drink of course was the BLOWJOB. A Hooligans birthday special, the free shot they give you with one significant catch. You must drink it without using your hands! I licked off the whip cream (gracefully knocking half of it on the counter), formed a section around the glass and lifted my chip toward the celling. With the dilemma of the liquid being suctioned into the glass, I balanced the glass and let go of the suction taking a gulp before forming the suction again. I continued this 2 or 3 times before the glass was empty. I did it! =D Lots of pictures, fogy memories, and the best beginning to a birthday ever. July 2nd After walking around with Jason for hours making sure he was sober enough to drive I crashed. Woke up for 12 and double checked the plans for my friends outing later that night. Went to Leominster for a laster appointment and ran home after for dinner. Dad had bought me a pink rose, birthday balloon, and Betsy made me a wonderful cake. Went to Bootlegers and I had to leave early in order to make it to friends meeting spot within a reasonable time. From there Vlora > NOT Jillans > NOT Club Red 1888 in Worcestor > Irish Times. It was a good time, just disappointed that Tequila Rain was closed and Club Red was shut down. Then the worse part was being cornered by Jon and losing my precious birthday time talking about out "relationship"...I was sad and aggravated. July 3rd Slept in and then Brittany and I went to the RMV to renew my license followed by BJs for food for the house party. Cleaned up the house and drove Brittany back home. Went with Uncle David and Vovo to Verizon to buy my new phone. $430!!! I ended up canceling and decided to check online for it instead and then wait a month or so for the price to drop. Went out for dinner to a chinese place...good food =) Rushed home to people already at my house. The party went off better than I could have hoped for. Everyone was so awesome and we had endless activities and fun. July 4th Everyone left the house rather early and I got ready for work. Spent the day on campus and went for a walk with Eric. Spent the night reading twilight at work. Was sad I had to miss the 4th activities but not too big of a deal. July 5th Working. At night I talked with Jon G and how I only think of him as a friend. It was terrible! In a horribly depressed mood I met up with Kat and Erica at Kat's new apartment. Being with the girls calmed me down. July 6th Babysat Nate in the morning...I WAS SOOO TIRED! Then at 12:00 got the Nextel and worked the rest of the day and had the overnight shift. July 7th Today! Work again, have tomorrow off...thank goodness. Past Weeks: June 25th Thursday: 1st Walk of the summer with Nicole @ Coolidge. It was great. Went to see Transformers with Jon. Friday 26th Brought Star to the vets. Went with Nicole St. to Jon Miganowicz party...had a lake adventure! Went to Jons gaming party. So incredibly loud, my ears hurt so much =( Saturday 27th Went to the Museum of Science with Erica. Sheena's party later at night. Sunday 28th Work Monday 29th Adam's 21st birthday at the townhouses Tuesday 30th Work. Whoo. Like I said, what a summer. |
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| Old Entries in Word | |||
| 12:51am 26/06/2009 | |||
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Mon, June 15th It is unbelievable how stressed and angry a baby can make me. I think of myself as a patient person, but when it comes to an uncontrollable child I hit the roof! I babysit a 3 year old girl and a six month old boy. Amanda isn’t bad as long as she isn’t pouting or throwing herself into a tantrum. Nathan on the other hand spends 70% of his time crying, he is NEVER happy for longer than 5 minutes. I am so close to losing it every time he acts up and won’t stop crying. I feel like a horrible person saying it… Honestly I wonder if I’ll be able to handle my own children when the time comes. Will I be able to love another life unconditionally? Will I be able to put my ambitions on the backburner for the responsibility of another? Will I be able to have the energy? Will I be able to have the tolerance? It makes me think long and hard as to if I ever want a child. I was hanging out with Eric yesterday. Watched Milk (good movie), made dinner, watched parts of Edward Scissorhand, and had a long talk. He said he thinks about me all the time (since he doesn’t have anything else to think about). He wanted to know what our intentions and relationship are. I barely had any answers for him. He said I was hard to read, that I can tell you is always my intention (for anyone). Yet, he took me by surprise at how much he has figured out, he was the first one ever to say to me that I never show my bad side. I’m always the same happy/peppy Amanda. I didn’t think anyone has ever figured that out, it felt nice to know someone has noticed. I frankly can’t see myself in a relationship with Eric, but he seems so perfect. Then what really pulled the carpet from underneath me was this. “No matter what you decide, I want to be there to help you. I know you are in pain and I want to be there for you.” Wed, June 17th I painted my nails. Doesn’t seem all that exciting, but in a sad little way it is to me. The last time I had my nails painted was professionally and even that was over a year ago. I can’t even recall the last time I did my own. They look nice, especially with them being so long. I was able to feel and create a connection with Aunt Michelle. She’s been in the family for I don’t know how long (maybe 10 or so years) and yet I never saw her as “Aunt”. Being able to visit her at her home with Jake and Grace around, seeing her in her ‘element’ as Aunt Debbie put it, was a whole new experience. Found out she never went to college and started working right out of high school. Today at dinner I made the connection that she meant Uncle Crag while working at the same bank Grammy had. Saw that she has the ‘neighborhood backyard’, you know the one where you can find all the kids from the town playing in. I enjoyed myself. I also spent some time with Aunt Debbie and Uncle Jimmy, who were babysitting Emerson. Saw in person who Uncle Jimmy is the TRUE handyman, Mr. I Can Do It All…rather amazing. Aunt Debbie still is as stern as ever, but she was a good listener. Was even put to work, using a compressor to compact dirt so that they could lay down brick for a farmer’s porch. It was crazy! I can still feel my hands vibrating and hear the rock crunching noise when I think back on it. With the help of Grammy I was able to get Nikki, Aunt Debbie, Emerson, Aunt Michelle, Grammy, and myself together for dinner at a Chinese Buffet. It felt right to be spending time with the ‘Girls’ of the family. I only wish I had more to say or discuss, but needless I enjoyed myself. Grammy directed me to Kholas after. Walking into a clothing store was exciting, I haven’t been cloths shopping for as long as my moms had been sick. I attacked the summer line; taking my fair share of light cotton sundresses and spaghetti strap shirts. Found two vintage skirts too. I could spent hours there, which says something considering how much I HATE shopping. It was long over due though. On a different but related note, my body is disgusting! Every time I look into a mirror, only flaws and so many imperfections reflect back. I am so horribly overweight, my acne is out of control, the cellulite makes me want to cry, and it feels like each day I find a new stretch mark. =…(…. NOT HAPPY >____________< 3am Time for bed… I’ve gotta stop waking up at 2pm Tue April 23 Gone Fishing. Been up at Lake Winnipesaukee for two days now, it’s so relaxing. Being out on the boat is one of the most tranquil experiences I’ve lived. The sounds, the wind, the warmth of the sun, and movement of the boat, the feeling of living in that precious moment in time. It’s rhythmic listening to the waves lap gently on the coast, the wind calling threw the leaves, birds signing, the silence the lake brings in these early weeks before the beach houses are alive with their families. You’re free. The hardships, the stress, the hate and anger, and sadness, it gone. Spending time with Dad. A special feeling of being with a parent. Seeing him in his element. Understanding a parent is only human after all. Awkward at times. Also a sense of sadness fills me knowing he’s on a path to destruction with his cigarette addiction, anger knowing that he knows he is all I have left..yet not strong enough to stop. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him, just the thought brings tears to my eyes. But he’s only human… Rewind: Thursday: Left Grammy’s and went with Eric to Althol to film an ocupela group. Slept over his house. Friday: Nicole and I went to Lowell to visit Christina before she left for NJ. Buba tea =D Campfire at Sara’s house. Back to townhouse for Matt’s party, but it had been broken up. Show the Russell group and said hi. Dan then texted me at 1am asking to sleep over. I let him and it was nice until the morning when he didn’t respect what I had asked him. Saturday: Took Ryan and drove up to Medford and when out to eat at Regina’s for my birthday. Took a 4 hour nap and then went out for ice cream with Uncle David, it was nice =) Sunday: Went running with Brittany at the Lake. Went to Jack’s Mannequin and The Fray concert at the Comcast Center. Sat with Nick, Ryan, and Hilary for Jack’s Mannequin and then they all left >=/ and I watched The Fray by myself. But whatever, I enjoyed myself. The rain was miserable though lol Came back to Brittany’s and left for Lake Winnipesaukee, Ryan drove. Monday: Woke up for breakfast (the guys had already been out for 4 hours). It was great seeing Uncle Craig and spending time with Jake. Went out fishing with Dad, while Ryan slept. Went out to dinner. Watched a movie with everyone while Dad went to bed. Tuesday/Today: Ryan, Dad, and I went out together. I barely caught anything, but Ryan and Dad did well. Came back about 5 hours later, out from 6am to 11ish. Dad and I went to breakfast while Ryan slept. We played split together and then both went down for a nap. Once we were all up it was Dinner and a Movie. The Proposal is amazing!!!! Still looking for my social voice, still waiting for conversation to come effortlessly. Why am I so socially awkward? ;____; Ps. Rosetta Stone came in Friday, been playing with it off and on. Hope it works! |
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| June 13th 9am | |||
| 03:47pm 14/06/2009 | |||
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I am so tired I could pass out right now. Erica’s text at 7:18am: R u alive? Me: Barely, early mornings are shortening my life span. Interesting dreams last night. I spent the night on campus, odd sleeping there after being home for almost 2 weeks. (shit, my cell phone just went off while proctoring the ACT’s x-x;;) Man, our townhouse is disgusting, how can girls be so unclean??! Anyways, I dreamt about being in drama class at FHS and Mr. Daughnaus was instructing us how to act. The students took charge and were fooling around when we started improvising on Phantom of the Opera/Beauty and the Beast…yet for once and my life I was confident in my acting and dancing. I was amazing, showing all the other kids how to really bring emotion and facial expression into the performance. My dancing was beautiful too; my partner Doug (who is a Senior at FHS that I barely talked to) swung me around the dance floor in perfect rhythm. I remember the theater was lit only by candles and the glow left a mysterious/mystifying and breathtaking scene. It was like living in perfect harmony. Eventually it twisted into a chasing/running dream (like always), but before than was so perfect. I loved the confidence and personal satisfaction it brought. It’s been awhile since I last wrote. I’ve spent most of my days at home and there I find myself not often on a computer or the Internet. I spend my time watching TV, having friends over, cleaning my room, reading, taking long baths, and interacting with the family, Last few weeks: Babysitting for Lalaneya Jessica’s Confirmation Visiting Soapheak at Amherst Dental Appointment > teeth looking good =) 10 Pin Bowling with Jon G. and Nicole S. Senior Award Ceremony Helping Carrolee out with her car Working SAT and ACT Garlic Festival with Nicole S. & Eric Film Festival in Nashua with Jon G. and Nick C. Visiting the Farm with Jon G. Seeing Up (with Eric) and The Hangover (with Nicole S.) Going to the FSC gym Eating Alligator with Nicole S. Ordered clothing online for the first time Relay For Life with Jason, Emily, Nicole R., Eric, and Jon G. Wow, it looks busy for feeling that I’ve been doing nothing for two weeks. Humm… Last night instead of going to bed I was on FB planning my 21st Birthday. I hope it’s amazing as I’m planning it to be! I made an event and put all the details I could think of down and still have to invite pretty much everyone I know =) Mom’s been all around me since summer started. Living at the house, cleaning threw her things, missing her presences, having other people always coming up to me asking about how I, Ryan, and my Dad are doing, the memorial ceremony, the scholarships, the Relay for Life, the fact that almost everything has changed since her death. Yea, it’s there hitting me in the face ALL the time. Perhaps the hardest slap is watching my family fall apart. Brother dropping out of college, refusing to get a job, always looking down, his total lack of enthusiasm, his plan to leave the house, and his disregard for life. My father is just barley doing better. Living to live – nothing more, not being able to financially support us, only ever looking at what HAS to be done, lack of luster for life, his separation from my mom’s side of the family, and of course his lack of presence. And there is nothing I can do to save them, to save me, to us…I’m watching my family fall apart before my eyes, desperately trying to grab a hold of both of them but watching in terror as my hands slip away from theirs, both pulled in different directions leaving me alone in the middle; tired, hurt, and lost. Not the most uplifting moment in my life. |
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| Matt Nathanson ~ Come on Get higher | |||
| 02:53am 02/06/2009 | |||
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I miss the sound of your voice I miss the rush of your skin I miss the still of the silence As you breathe out and I breathe in If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next Make you believe, make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love I miss the sound of your voice The loudest thing in my head And I ache to remember All the violence, sweet Perfect words that you said If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next, make you believe, make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love I miss the pull of your heart I can taste the sparks on your tongue I see angels and devils And God, when you come on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love Sing shalala love Sing shalala love Come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire in the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me, drown me in love It's all wrong It's all wrong It's all right So, come on, get higher Come on, get higher 'Cause everything works Everything works in your arms |
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| Kinda busy? | ||||
| 02:21am 02/06/2009 | ||||
Sunday was insane. Went to "bed" at 1ish, but barely slept. College mattresses are so uncomfortable! I did have dream about Captain Planet, Sailor Moon, Boston transportation, and a swimming pool. It was pretty wicked =p Anyways, woke up and rolled out of bed at 5:40. Made a stop at DD and hit the desk at 6am, Mike came by soon after and then began a long long long time of sitting around doing nothing at all. At 11:45 I ran to my room, looked like crazy for my one card and took a quick shower. Got back to work at 12:20 (was suppose to be back for 12 =( ). Went to Auby with Jill and put the linens in the dryer and booked it to Boston for Jess's confirmation. Being in church was interesting. I have come to the conclusion I hate and disagree with almost all of the catholic preaching, but I do believe in Jesus's message. It's the church I despise; corrupt and outdated. So for most of the ceremony I read the book of hymns, which had insight into the masses and different passes of time. Rather insightful, I got a few movie ideas between the book and the Bishops speech (which was actually pretty good). Ryan, Dad, and I didn't go up for communion...woooo Grants. Dinner was great though! We sat and created a "kids table" and deemed it under 21 lol Britt, Jess, Ryan, Angela, and I reminisced about the cruises and how rich Alex was. I felt alive and a huge part of the conversation, which was such an awesome feeling. Had to leave early to head back to work. The rest of work wasn't bad, just sitting around with Jill. On the way back to the dorms we passed a skunk and Jill almost had a heart attack. She's terrified of them, meanwhile I was laughing hysterically. Spent the night cleaning up my room and looking for my one card. Downloaded some AMV's and tried to upload pictures onto FB, which FB just wasn't having. Went to bed rather late. Woke up late and it was a beautiful thing. Set out on my to-do list and walked all over campus. At 2:00 went to FHS and helped "Coach Bob" out with volleyball practice. Not much exercise like I was hoping, but I did learn quite a bit. Babysat Amanda and Nate @ 5. Amanda had a tantrum before going to bed...ug. Nate was fussy the whole time, he really is a whole lot of work. Seriously makes me reconsider having kids of my own...I don't believe I have the patience. Came home exhausted, but with $40. Yay $$$ Going to the gym with Nicole S. tomorrow (or later today, silly 2:47am). Dental after. Hanging with Jon G. at night. Should be a good day. |
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exhausted| First Weeks of Summer | ||||
| 09:36pm 30/05/2009 | ||||
Lets see... I was bored out of my mind for the 18th to 20th. Went to Purgatory in Sutton with Nicole R., Nick C., and Eric. Also moved into the townhouse. Ryan canceled on our sushi date (again). So I went with Erica to Kim's softball game and who was there....RYAN SO"OO"O pissed! Whatever. After the game went to the farm and had a really laid back party, or more like gathering. Thursday through Sunday was freakin sweet! Anime Boston was just what I had been needing, granted I didn't sleep for 3 nights. It was great to be in Boston, to have something to be doing every second, be around friends, and be throughly entertained by all the people. Went to a ton of panels; some a bust and others mind blowing. Saw numerous live entertainment performances and enjoyed the annual AMV screening. Spent all the money (that I didn't have) in the artist gallery, beautiful work!!! Got decent deals on manga and bought a wall scroll. Spent most of my time with Jason and Nick, although there were a few times I split off by myself to go to panels that interested me. All in all, a splendid time indeed (ahahaha) Monday was a down day, had a late night cookout at home. Tuesday was my first day on my summer job: FSC Summer Conferences Assistant. Got a basic idea of what the job entails...gotta say I'm loving it =D After I babysat Amanda and went home. Wed and Thursday was spent at home. Cleaning up my room and the linen closet. On Thursday I also babysat Amanda and Nate. Nicole S., Eric, and Erica came over to visit too. Found out from Erica that Jesse and Ryan are suppose to be getting back together... GGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Friday was a busy day. Woke up late and franticly tried to come up with a speech for Mom's Memorial Service at FHS. Finished writing it as Ryan was driving us there (god, I'm such a horrific procrastinator!). The ceremony went out off without a hitch. I think the "funniest" part was being so worried about the speech I didn't even think of the emotional toll it was going to have. I cried hard. 1. Masciarelli 2. Samantha 3. Danielle (Singing “Amazing Grace”) 4. Class of 2006 donation to Lisa Grant scholarship fund 5. Mrs. Cayer Yearbook gift to Amanda and Ryan 6. Amanda 7. “I Hope You Dance” to be played 8. Open for anyone else who may want to speak (Bolick) I tried to hold my composure and did well..until I was done my speech. As soon as I got back to Dad, I burst into tears. It was odd, out of everyone I thought of Erin. I wonder if I had invited her, if she would have came... Came back to FSC to work till 10pm. From then till this morning managed to lose my One Card >>>>________<<<<<< Stayed up late cleaning my room, thinking a lot about mom. This morning I was suppose to be up for the Church Flee Market, but I refused to get out of bed. Slept until 1, when I realized I had to be back at FSC for 2. Came to school and picked up the Nextell from Jill. Made a random trip to Marketbasket for Rozy. Started work at 5. Dinner break at 7, went home looking for one card, no place to be found x__x; Came back and there I am. 10:26pm. Alone at the desk, whooo. Actually this isn't bad at all, let's me catch up on my to-do list. Sorry this is a bland update. Just wanted to record the events of the last few days. If I keep on track, the next updates should be more interesting =p ~Star |
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